Saturday, July 14, 2012
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Re: Internet Version 2.Awesome
As most (all?) of our audience knows, I have nothing but disdain for the common man. However, let me take a moment to get down off this high horse and step up on this soap box and speak on behalf of the masses (N.B. - still on a somewhat elevated platform).
Don’t regulate the internet whatsoever. I love the wild westy status that it currently holds. I would hate to see it become like your average American city. Currently, it’s somewhat settled , but there is still a palpable element of danger out there, where only the brave (feel free to insert your own adjective) dare venture. It’s the one place that has not been disneyfied.
Sure you don’t like that there are idiots running amuck, but this is what you need to accept in a free society. Also, admit it, your pride and comedic sensibility would lead you to ban Kangaroo Boxing, but would the world really be a better place without it?
Also, if anyone out there knows how the internet works, can you please explain it to me? Can you just buy hardware and have a server, and then bam, you can create a domain name? What is the purpose of a place like GoDaddy? Do they just have a bunch of servers, and that’s essentially what you are buying?
I’m so confused. Currently, my understanding is that the internet is a series of tubes. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m wrong.
Don’t regulate the internet whatsoever. I love the wild westy status that it currently holds. I would hate to see it become like your average American city. Currently, it’s somewhat settled , but there is still a palpable element of danger out there, where only the brave (feel free to insert your own adjective) dare venture. It’s the one place that has not been disneyfied.
Sure you don’t like that there are idiots running amuck, but this is what you need to accept in a free society. Also, admit it, your pride and comedic sensibility would lead you to ban Kangaroo Boxing, but would the world really be a better place without it?
Also, if anyone out there knows how the internet works, can you please explain it to me? Can you just buy hardware and have a server, and then bam, you can create a domain name? What is the purpose of a place like GoDaddy? Do they just have a bunch of servers, and that’s essentially what you are buying?
I’m so confused. Currently, my understanding is that the internet is a series of tubes. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m wrong.
Internet, version 2.Awesome
The Internet is awesome. What’s not to like? The high-functioning overachievers use it as the Information Superhighway, which completely legitimizes it and keeps it going for the rest of us who prefer to travel the World Wide Web’s scum-filled back alleys. It’s got something for everyone, which is why no matter what it is used for, it will never not be around anymore. We can’t go back to a pre-internet world. But we haven’t reached perfection yet, so instead of just fumbling towards internet ecstasy (yes, that reference was intentional), here are some simple steps that can get us there:
Limit Access – If MySpace, Facebook, and Friendster have done nothing else (other than bringing out the stalker in all of us), they’ve shown us the general level of stupidity that your average person can reach when given the ability to express themselves. The worst part is these sites actually do limit what people can do with their sites and yet people still find ways to give out way too much information, add shiny, idiotic graphics, and post completely inappropriate pictures. So what we see is essentially a microcosm of what would happen if your average idiot (I could myself in this group) ran the world. Street signs would be flashing rainbows, legal documents would contain phrases like “ROFLMFAO” and “1337,” and elections would be decided based on the number of friends you have. So, no, the average person shouldn’t be able to create their own websites or edit their own videos or write their own stupid blogs (Note: I do understand the definition of “irony”) just because they can afford broadband internet access. These “creative types” would be better served helping actually talented people further their endeavors instead of filling the world with mediocrity. For every legitimately funny person, there are thousands of idiots with too much free time on their hands who think they’re accomplishing something of value when all they are doing is making it harder for me to find a clip of a guy getting hit in the nuts.
So I suggest we create some kind of governing body that will eliminate this problem. If you want to post original content on Youtube, you will need to pass some sort of test or meet minimum requirements to prove you aren’t just a 13-year-old latchkey kid who thinks dubbing old Power Rangers clips to have Zordon say “mother f*cker” is comedy gold. Naturally, as a funny-ass mother f*cker myself, I will oversee this division. Other people can be responsible for making sure people who use the Sepia filter on their CoolPix can keep their “art” to themselves or limiting the political nerds to a maximum of 3 uninformed, highly slanted ultraliberal, treehugging / ultraconservative, tree-raping rants per month.
OK, that is Step 1 from me…more to come…in the meantime, any suggestions?
Limit Access – If MySpace, Facebook, and Friendster have done nothing else (other than bringing out the stalker in all of us), they’ve shown us the general level of stupidity that your average person can reach when given the ability to express themselves. The worst part is these sites actually do limit what people can do with their sites and yet people still find ways to give out way too much information, add shiny, idiotic graphics, and post completely inappropriate pictures. So what we see is essentially a microcosm of what would happen if your average idiot (I could myself in this group) ran the world. Street signs would be flashing rainbows, legal documents would contain phrases like “ROFLMFAO” and “1337,” and elections would be decided based on the number of friends you have. So, no, the average person shouldn’t be able to create their own websites or edit their own videos or write their own stupid blogs (Note: I do understand the definition of “irony”) just because they can afford broadband internet access. These “creative types” would be better served helping actually talented people further their endeavors instead of filling the world with mediocrity. For every legitimately funny person, there are thousands of idiots with too much free time on their hands who think they’re accomplishing something of value when all they are doing is making it harder for me to find a clip of a guy getting hit in the nuts.
So I suggest we create some kind of governing body that will eliminate this problem. If you want to post original content on Youtube, you will need to pass some sort of test or meet minimum requirements to prove you aren’t just a 13-year-old latchkey kid who thinks dubbing old Power Rangers clips to have Zordon say “mother f*cker” is comedy gold. Naturally, as a funny-ass mother f*cker myself, I will oversee this division. Other people can be responsible for making sure people who use the Sepia filter on their CoolPix can keep their “art” to themselves or limiting the political nerds to a maximum of 3 uninformed, highly slanted ultraliberal, treehugging / ultraconservative, tree-raping rants per month.
OK, that is Step 1 from me…more to come…in the meantime, any suggestions?
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
US? A? Nope, but OK.
In yesterday’s Confederation Cup Final, the US Men’s National soccer team lost 3-2 to Brazil despite taking an improbable but deserved 2-0 lead into the half. On the surface, it would be considered a pretty crushing loss (and, yes, it was) but they proved the skin-of-their-teeth win against Spain was not merely a fluke. That was their goal going into the match and, though they understandably wanted the victory after a cracking first half, Brazil’s victory seemed inevitable even before Luis Fabiano put the Selecao within a goal at the start of the second 45 minutes.. Anyone that knows a thing or two about “footy” knows that for the US team, thought the game itself was ended in a depressing way, the tournament can still be viewed as mission accomplished. Now, instead of wondering how to blow up the team and start all over again, the last two games have shown the US has potential. Clearly, the team is not a soccer superpower, but at the very least, we’ve moved from “third world” to “developing nation.”
Like any country on the rise, the team has its fair share of problems. The biggest problem, it seemed, is that we don’t have a quality midfielder. None of our guys (save maybe Landon) seem to understand the concept of controlling the ball. The midfielders were afraid of holding onto the ball and would just pass it ahead to the forwards at the first sign of pressure. That doesn’t work when you don't have world-class strikers like Wayne Rooney and Fernando Torres upfront. You give up the ball over and over again and, as the US did, spend most matches on your heels while hoping to make the best of the few chances you do get. The strikers we have now are capable of scoring goals but they are not capable of creating goals. The US needs to commit itself to putting patience into practice. In the soccer Bible, patience begats ball control begats opportunities begats goals.
On a related topic, there's all this talk about soccer never being popular in the US. That's BS. Inferior soccer will never be popular here but that’s true of most things. I keep hearing about how the US has been responsible for largest percentage of World Cup ticket purchases and that should be sign enough that there are soccer fans in the US, they just want to watch the best. Soccer, at its bes,t is a flowing battle capable of producing a “holy sh*t!” moment at virtually any point in the match.
The majority of US soccer fans like all sports fans, want to watch a great product, they want to be entertained. The best way, I believe, to “make” soccer popular in the US is broader coverage of the important leagues, i.e. Premier, La Liga, and Serie A, where the world’s best already perform, rather than importing the over-the-hill superstars to the MLS (which is basically the current strategy). That’s not the case with what we have, the MLS. The MLS will not and should not be popular until there’s a concentrated effort in the US to turn its best and brightest up and coming soccer talents into world-class performers. I don’t think that will even have a chance of occurring until there’s a desire by a broad fan base for that to happen. For the MLS to have a chance to become successful, the US needs to promote what it CAN be, not what it is now. And the best way to do that would be to generate interest using other leagues. ESPN recently purchased the rights to air several EPL games next season due to the Setanta Sports bankruptcy, spurred on I’m sure by encouraging ratings from its Champion’s League coverage. That’s a solid start and I hope the network increases its coverage. Fox Soccer Channel is solid, but ESPN and its HD goodness provide an audience that FSC can’t hope to reach at the moment.
Like any country on the rise, the team has its fair share of problems. The biggest problem, it seemed, is that we don’t have a quality midfielder. None of our guys (save maybe Landon) seem to understand the concept of controlling the ball. The midfielders were afraid of holding onto the ball and would just pass it ahead to the forwards at the first sign of pressure. That doesn’t work when you don't have world-class strikers like Wayne Rooney and Fernando Torres upfront. You give up the ball over and over again and, as the US did, spend most matches on your heels while hoping to make the best of the few chances you do get. The strikers we have now are capable of scoring goals but they are not capable of creating goals. The US needs to commit itself to putting patience into practice. In the soccer Bible, patience begats ball control begats opportunities begats goals.
On a related topic, there's all this talk about soccer never being popular in the US. That's BS. Inferior soccer will never be popular here but that’s true of most things. I keep hearing about how the US has been responsible for largest percentage of World Cup ticket purchases and that should be sign enough that there are soccer fans in the US, they just want to watch the best. Soccer, at its bes,t is a flowing battle capable of producing a “holy sh*t!” moment at virtually any point in the match.
The majority of US soccer fans like all sports fans, want to watch a great product, they want to be entertained. The best way, I believe, to “make” soccer popular in the US is broader coverage of the important leagues, i.e. Premier, La Liga, and Serie A, where the world’s best already perform, rather than importing the over-the-hill superstars to the MLS (which is basically the current strategy). That’s not the case with what we have, the MLS. The MLS will not and should not be popular until there’s a concentrated effort in the US to turn its best and brightest up and coming soccer talents into world-class performers. I don’t think that will even have a chance of occurring until there’s a desire by a broad fan base for that to happen. For the MLS to have a chance to become successful, the US needs to promote what it CAN be, not what it is now. And the best way to do that would be to generate interest using other leagues. ESPN recently purchased the rights to air several EPL games next season due to the Setanta Sports bankruptcy, spurred on I’m sure by encouraging ratings from its Champion’s League coverage. That’s a solid start and I hope the network increases its coverage. Fox Soccer Channel is solid, but ESPN and its HD goodness provide an audience that FSC can’t hope to reach at the moment.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Where's the beef?
Monday night’s NCAA championship sucked. It was a blowout and nobody wants to see that. Even UNC’s intro was better. And yet, strangely, it remained watchable for much of the game. I’m not a big follower of college ball. Well, outside of March Madness and the semi-annual Bobby Knight tirade, I don’t follow it at all. And that was mostly because I’ve made the mistake in the past of judging the college game by NBA standards, a mistake I’ve also made with NCAA football. And that’s just dumb because I feel like I’ve missed out on some great college sports moments over the years, things I’ve only seen highlights of on Sportscenter.
I’ve come to look at college sports like I would a hamburger and professional sports as the steak counterpart. College ball is that sloppy, greasy, self-indulgent bacon cheeseburger that you won’t ever leave me feeling quite as content as the perfectly prepared NBA game. Right now, after the relative dullness of the tournament, I’m not feeling full and my basketball appetite hasn’t quite been quenched. But that’s OK, we still have the NBA playoffs coming up next. Last year’s NBA playoffs turned out fantastic, and this year a Kobe/LeBron dream showdown could be the main course.
So yeah, this year’s March Madness as a whole was underwhelming, certainly not up to last year’s tourney. But hey, it was better than the bland, uninteresting salad that is hockey. And we all know you can’t make friends with salad.
I’ve come to look at college sports like I would a hamburger and professional sports as the steak counterpart. College ball is that sloppy, greasy, self-indulgent bacon cheeseburger that you won’t ever leave me feeling quite as content as the perfectly prepared NBA game. Right now, after the relative dullness of the tournament, I’m not feeling full and my basketball appetite hasn’t quite been quenched. But that’s OK, we still have the NBA playoffs coming up next. Last year’s NBA playoffs turned out fantastic, and this year a Kobe/LeBron dream showdown could be the main course.
So yeah, this year’s March Madness as a whole was underwhelming, certainly not up to last year’s tourney. But hey, it was better than the bland, uninteresting salad that is hockey. And we all know you can’t make friends with salad.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
[etc] Random Upchuckings
- Few things annoy me more than people who slither through a closing door, making sure to avoid holding said door due to some preposterous fear that they might contract some illness. This in turn causes the person behind them to have a door slammed in their face because one jackass decided that they were above the laws of common decency. The only fitting punishment for these overly germaphobic twits would be sterilization.
- On a recent episode of the fantastic It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, the gang tackles the tough topic of sex in the modern world . Now, the show revolved around the social taboos around human sexuality and the double standard that exists between men and women when it comes to expressing individual sexuality. OK, I'm just kidding - they found a gloryhole in the bathroom at their bar and they wanted to use so random women would fellate them. Good times...uh...watching the episode I mean, not using gloryholes. Now this got me wondering - if the whole point of a gloryhole is to facilitate anonymous sex between strangers, who was the first? Someone, at some point in the pre-gloryhole years, had to have been drilling holes in random bathroom stall walls and then hoping that some willing stranger on the other side would take the hint and go to town on Cap'n Sunshine. Otherwise, it would have to have been pre-meditated, which would suck. Nobody wins with premeditated gloryholing. Trust me.
- I like Jake Peavy, but I don't LOVE Jake Peavy. He's not a workhorse. He's pitched his entire career in a pitcher's park. And he's had some injury concerns recently. I don't know - I think the Braves should really think long and hard before pulling the trigger on a Peavy trade, especially if it's as proposed (Jordan Schafer / Tommy Hanson / Kelly Johnson). Let the Mets be the Mets and the Phillies be the Phillies. Regroup, exercise Hudson's 2010 option, hope Jason Heyward is the second coming of Albert Pujols and go from there.
- I am rooting for the Rays because when I close my eyes, it almost sounds like those Tampa Bay fans are chanting "Let's go Braves! Let's go Braves!" Ah, I love this game of self-delusion.
- The movie scene has really sucked for some time now. Honestly, when was the last time a really good movie came out? August? They made three more Saw movies in that time. Get cracking Hollywood, my illegal downloading has slowed considerably.
- I want to see James Bond drinking Incredible Hulks in the new 007 movie.
- LaDanian Tomlinson, Willis McGahee, Tony Romo - my top 3 fantasy picks, which is why I am in 9th place right now.
- Sarah Palin was a bad decision as a VP candidate for many reasons, but I find these attacks on her wardrobe expenses to be troubling. Not because they are sexist or anything but because people aren't calling her out for looking like she actually spent $150K on her outfits. I mean, if you're going to floss it, make sure people can tell. What's the point in buying pantsuits from Saks if they look like they were picked up from the newly relaunched Layaway program at K-Mart? Now you not only look out of touch with your "pro-American"/non-elitist base but you come off like you don't know how to spend money, girlfriend. Which is exactly what this country needs - a leader who doesn't know how to get the most out of a budget. At least you can know John McCain will fight tooth and nail to get that $0.25 off his industrial-size Gold Bond Medicated Powder.
- Ladies, if you go out then wake up in the bed of a random stranger - well, you need to ask yourself one question before you make any judgements. Did you get dressed sober? If yes, and you STILL made a conscious decision to wear no underwear - sorry, it wasn't a roofie, it wasn't the alcohol, it wasn't your friends leaving you. So please, embrace your trampiness and just get rid of all your panties...come on you know you want to...here, try this, there's like no alcohol in it at all...I swear...
Sunday, September 28, 2008
[mlb] Shea Goodnight!
I'd like to warn you that this will be a long, satisfying "f you" to a couple of regular members of my season-long baseball hate-filled email family. What the 9th Symphony was for Beethoven, so shall this entry be for my baseball hating body of work.
But the icing on it all? The post-game stadium closing ceremony. Talk about an 800-lb gorilla in the room. Woo-hoo, go Mets' glorious past! Please - let's re-live the long-gone glory years and try to forget that, just moments earlier and for the 3rd year in a row, we choked big time!
Given that it was the last game at Shea and all, though, let's re-visit some of my favorite Shea memories, shall we?
2006
2007
Lastly, just for the sake of completeness: ESPN's Playoff Perctange for the 2008 New York Mets now reads "0.0%"
Mets Fans...I hope you saved the receipt on those playoff tickets!
*drops mic*
Before going further, however, I'd like to thank certain Mets fans for being man enough to answer the post-loss telephone call. Can't say the same for all the Mets fans I know, however. With apologies to the great Enrique Iglesisas...Baby you can run, baby you can hide, but you can't escape my hate...
Now, let's get down to bidness. Ah, where to begin?????
This weekend Fox Searchlight fittingly released the movie Choke. As the black dude in jail said in the first Harold & Kumar, "The universe tends to unfold as it should..." And yes, you dreadful Mets fans - the universe has reminded you again that your team sucks. They've taken the art of choking to new levels, showing you guys that you support a bunch of LOSERS.
The game itself was interesting. Ollie Perez didn't blow up, but the same problems struck again - they didn't score runs (5 TOTAL over the weekend, which is pathetic), and the Pen, the same one I told you would be hurt by losing Wagner (just wait till I find those emails), blew it again and again and again down the stretch. Lord, the fans were really out of it, expecting the loss the whole time. Even with Beltran's HR, the crowd reaction was more of a "oh thank god" not a "yeah! now let's finish them off!" type thing. Brimming with confidence, eh...Go Met Sox Nation! When Wes Helms, the former Brave, hit the go-ahead HR - the stadium didn't implode as I expected it to. Mets fans had been abused so much, they'd come to expect it. Ouch...that's the mark of a true loser, someone who has let the setbacks defeat them before it's all over. Yes, I think the Mets may have really hurt the team for quite some time. This was a soul-crushing one.
Now, let's get down to bidness. Ah, where to begin?????
This weekend Fox Searchlight fittingly released the movie Choke. As the black dude in jail said in the first Harold & Kumar, "The universe tends to unfold as it should..." And yes, you dreadful Mets fans - the universe has reminded you again that your team sucks. They've taken the art of choking to new levels, showing you guys that you support a bunch of LOSERS.
The game itself was interesting. Ollie Perez didn't blow up, but the same problems struck again - they didn't score runs (5 TOTAL over the weekend, which is pathetic), and the Pen, the same one I told you would be hurt by losing Wagner (just wait till I find those emails), blew it again and again and again down the stretch. Lord, the fans were really out of it, expecting the loss the whole time. Even with Beltran's HR, the crowd reaction was more of a "oh thank god" not a "yeah! now let's finish them off!" type thing. Brimming with confidence, eh...Go Met Sox Nation! When Wes Helms, the former Brave, hit the go-ahead HR - the stadium didn't implode as I expected it to. Mets fans had been abused so much, they'd come to expect it. Ouch...that's the mark of a true loser, someone who has let the setbacks defeat them before it's all over. Yes, I think the Mets may have really hurt the team for quite some time. This was a soul-crushing one.
Endy with another great catch that will be nothing more than a footnote for the history books. BTW, you should watch the Braun HR that won it for the Brew Crew; it's electrifying, one of those great sports moments that gives you a chill even if you aren't a fan.
But the icing on it all? The post-game stadium closing ceremony. Talk about an 800-lb gorilla in the room. Woo-hoo, go Mets' glorious past! Please - let's re-live the long-gone glory years and try to forget that, just moments earlier and for the 3rd year in a row, we choked big time!
Given that it was the last game at Shea and all, though, let's re-visit some of my favorite Shea memories, shall we?
2006
This was like the Crane Kick (ed: "Butterfly Kick?" wtf was I smoking when I typed this?) at the end of The Karate Kid, except it was a shot to the face of Carlos Beltran and all the Mets fans in the back were members of the Cobra Kai. Just utter shock.
2007
Yup, there's that look again. Like father, like son...
2008
2008
This is the best part about baseball, passing down generations of tradition. But I really do feel for this kid. It's bad enough being the bastard child of Carrot Top. But to be raised a Mets fan? Talk about adding insult to injury...
It's not all about the losers, though. The winners - the Milwaukee Brewers - had their fair share of fun too. Look at Prince Fielder, who was so overjoyed at the victory, he decided to go film a gay porno afterwards:
At a time like this, I wonder what someone like Chipper Jones, the 2008 NL batting champion and reigning King of Shea Stadium, thinks of the Hindenburg explosions that were the 2007 and 2008 New York Mets. Tell us, Chipper - what did you think of the Mets?
Lastly, just for the sake of completeness: ESPN's Playoff Perctange for the 2008 New York Mets now reads "0.0%"
Mets Fans...I hope you saved the receipt on those playoff tickets!
*drops mic*
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