Internet, version 2.Awesome

The Internet is awesome. What’s not to like? The high-functioning overachievers use it as the Information Superhighway, which completely legitimizes it and keeps it going for the rest of us who prefer to travel the World Wide Web’s scum-filled back alleys. It’s got something for everyone, which is why no matter what it is used for, it will never not be around anymore. We can’t go back to a pre-internet world. But we haven’t reached perfection yet, so instead of just fumbling towards internet ecstasy (yes, that reference was intentional), here are some simple steps that can get us there:

Limit Access – If MySpace, Facebook, and Friendster have done nothing else (other than bringing out the stalker in all of us), they’ve shown us the general level of stupidity that your average person can reach when given the ability to express themselves. The worst part is these sites actually do limit what people can do with their sites and yet people still find ways to give out way too much information, add shiny, idiotic graphics, and post completely inappropriate pictures. So what we see is essentially a microcosm of what would happen if your average idiot (I could myself in this group) ran the world. Street signs would be flashing rainbows, legal documents would contain phrases like “ROFLMFAO” and “1337,” and elections would be decided based on the number of friends you have. So, no, the average person shouldn’t be able to create their own websites or edit their own videos or write their own stupid blogs (Note: I do understand the definition of “irony”) just because they can afford broadband internet access. These “creative types” would be better served helping actually talented people further their endeavors instead of filling the world with mediocrity. For every legitimately funny person, there are thousands of idiots with too much free time on their hands who think they’re accomplishing something of value when all they are doing is making it harder for me to find a clip of a guy getting hit in the nuts.

So I suggest we create some kind of governing body that will eliminate this problem. If you want to post original content on Youtube, you will need to pass some sort of test or meet minimum requirements to prove you aren’t just a 13-year-old latchkey kid who thinks dubbing old Power Rangers clips to have Zordon say “mother f*cker” is comedy gold. Naturally, as a funny-ass mother f*cker myself, I will oversee this division. Other people can be responsible for making sure people who use the Sepia filter on their CoolPix can keep their “art” to themselves or limiting the political nerds to a maximum of 3 uninformed, highly slanted ultraliberal, treehugging / ultraconservative, tree-raping rants per month.
OK, that is Step 1 from me…more to come…in the meantime, any suggestions?