Power Rankings

1. Katherine Heigl -Her performance in “Knocked Up” was truly landmark, a tour de force. If this was what the Aryans were fighting for, well… let’s move on.

2. Megan Fox - Pros: Those eyes, that mouth… Cons: you can only do so much with a face, body not quite as up to par as the vaunted Heigl.

3. Adriana Lima - Still hot, historically number 1, but what have you done for me lately? Not sure how she’s struggling to keep up with Giselle as the hottest Brazilian export.

4. Charlize Theron – Let’s just say I’m willing to forgive the white South Africans. They didn’t do anything that bad, right?

5. Scarlet Johannson – Hands down the most talented of this group. Funnily enough she played a Brooklyn J*w in Woody Allen’s “Scoop”. If they actually made J*ws like her, I think we could have peace in the middle east by next Wednesday.

6. Jessica Alba – If it weren’t for lists, where would her career be? Has anyone done less with more? She’s the Jeff Francouer of actresses.

7. Emanuelle Chriqui - She’s the girl next door version of Megan Fox.

8. Rhianna – the most palatable of the young hos. Altho you have to wonder, how many rappers/studio execs have “been there, done that”. The Over/Under is set at 22.

9. Eva Mendes – I think she’s Cuban. That reminds me, why aren’t we doing more to help out the Cubans? They are all this hot right?

10. Monica Bellucci – Just had to give some props. Old, I know but nobody has aged this well since Barry Bonds.

Honorable mention: Mariah Carey (aka crazy ass Mariah Carey), Britney Spears ( I’d still hit it) and Eva Longoria (I don’t like you as much as everyone else, but if you asked nicely…)

Shabadu's List

1. Charlize Theron - On Arrested Development, she played the best-looking, most inspiring mentally handicapped person since Corky from "Life Goes On." Now that's acting - Charlize I mean, Corky wasn't all right in the head I believe.

2. Scarlett Johannson - I'm not sure if I spelled her name right, but she makes me want to watch more Justin Timberlake videos. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, but her bewitching powers are second-to-none. Plus she's brought out the best in Woody Allen lately. Respec'.

3. Marissa Miller - Mmmmm mmm, she is right at the point of almost being in too good of shape. But when you are at that point, and not beyond it, it's like drinking hot chocolate on a cold winter day that doesn't scald you. It's juuuuuust right.

4. Heigl - you said it, Knocked Up made it very clear who we're dealing with. But I still can't watch that crap Grey's Anatomy.

5. Alessandra Ambrosia - easily the sexiest name on the list, and quite possibly the most beautiful face around. Loses some points for being a little skinny. That's right ladies, I like em real, thick and juicy. And jaw-droppingly gorgeous.

6. Alba. This picture is worth a top 10 place in my opinion (NSFW). Loses some points for the recent pregnancy. As the saying goes - no fat chicks.

7. Megan Fox - stunning, just a little something off about her. Seems too pornstarish, like she's overly done up.

8. Josie Maran - OK, hasn't done much for me lately, but still young enough and certainly attractive enough to live off some of her goodwill. I'll always have a hard spot for her.

9. Angelina Jolie - Come on, Megan Fox gets props for looking like her. Props to the original exotic supercrazy superhottie.

10. Adriana Lima - Would be higher if she weren't engaged to Marko Jaric and if I didn't know that Marko Jaric was going to take her alleged V-Card. Well...she's Brazillian, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say he's already been allowed to commit a backcourt violation or two.

Lifetime Achievement award: Heidi Klum. Seriously, she's been around for like 15 years and is still gorgeous. She's the new Heather Locklear (who is still pretty damn hot at 46). 2nd place on this list would go to Jenny McCarthy. She's held up better than Carmen Electra and certainly Pam Anderson. Plus she's crazy too. And 3rd place would be Mariah. All-time looney toon, but she manages to stay in that "hot enough and I think if I were able to hang out with her, I could bang her" area after all these years. Nick Cannon...seriously?

Gripes: Rihanna? Come on now, that's just being short-sighted. I'd put Nicole Scherzingaslkdghl;lakshder and Katherine McPhee ahead of her for Music chicks. Though I do like what she's done with the short hair look. Not everone can pull it off, so props for that. And Emannuelle Chiriqui? Cute, but 1 classic episode of Entourage isn't enough in my opinion.

[nba] Well, Shaq, I'd guess it's "like chicken"

http://www.tmz.com/2008/06/23/shaq-attacks-kobe-you-ruined-my-marriage/

Haha, funny stuff from the Big Diesel. But I do have to say, the references to Biggie are just silly, even though the N-O-T-O-R-I-O-U-S probably didn't have a black belt in Shaq Fu. But silly is better than downright disturbing. Something tells me this wasn't the first time Shaquiiiiille "Like a pig" O'Neal wanted that question answered. I'm hoping that's the first time he asked it of the Kobrizzle, though. Can you imagine being in that crowd at the time - "yeah, son, Kobe...what now, bitch? word, kid, how you like the taste-a dat. Unnnngh!" There's been entirely too much talk about man ass around this parts, by the way. I am putting my food down - no more man ass talk for 2 weeks!

In unrelated NBA news, the Olympic starting 5 looks like it will be Dwight Howard, Carmelo, LeBron, Kobe, and Chris Paul. Not quite the '92 Dream Team, but I ain't gonna lie - I think there was some movement down there at the sight of that lineup.

[life] Gym etiquette

I like going to the gym. I like going because 1) it's something to do that won't leave me in bed until 2pm on a Sunday, 2) it keeps me in shape (well, a shape) and 3) the ratio of good-looking women to not good-looking women is considerably higher than in real life. Now the first two are your standard, obvious reasons. The 3rd reason, though, complicates things considerably. Now when I go work out, I am singularly focused - I put on my headphones and crank up the beats, break out a sweat, and sneak subtle glances at the gyrating, sweaty bodies in the yoga class in front of me. The key to this, of course, is that you can't be eyeing them up and down openly - gentlemen, you need to use reflective surfaces. That's actually the key to ogling, no matter what the situation (save for a strip club). So when you go to work out, make sure you pay attention to those reflexive glances.

Now, for you steroid munchers out there...yeah, you know who you are. Relax with the grunting. Wear a little more clothing - I'd like to leave without the silouhette of your man-parts burned into my corneas. And lastly, please, if you insist on using those freakish 100lb dumbbells, please put them back when you are finished; I can't risk the chance that the well-toned, tan blonde I was mirror-ogling might catch me having to roll your weights out of the way.

[mlb] Anger rising...

The Braves, the bane of my existence, just flat out suck. They suck in a historic fashion. Never before has a team done so well peripherally and sucked so badly when it counts, i.e. close games, especiall close road games. It's almost as if it is in our DNA now. So what's causing this team, which has the 2nd best ERA in the NL and a strong offense, to suck so much? Let me count the ways...

1) The bullpen - so far, we've lost our closer (Soriano) and our best setup man from last year (Moylan). That's not a light loss. I know some of you out there who are reading don't know much about any teams without the ol' "NY" logo on their hat, so allow me to analogize (don't worry, baby, I'll be gentle). This is akin to losing Mo and Joba or Wagner and Sanchez. It's not easy to account for. So now we have Mike Gonzalez back and that's something. But the team may have let the atrocious 1-run record seep into its pores at this point. Now, it's a self-defeating prophecy. Up 1, on the road, in the 8th or 9th, I have ZERO confidence we can win. ZERO. I turn off the game tracker when I'm at work around this team because the outcome is already a given. That kind of team cannot win the division, let alone the WS.

2) The injuries - I touched on this with the bullpen, but the injuries are really just unreal. Smoltz? Done. Moylan? Done. Soriano? Possibly done. And then the significant injuries - Kotsay, Glavine, Diaz, Prado and yes, Bitch Tits McGee...er...Hampton. It's practically unfair. We were hurt by injuries last year, so the Homeboys in the Front Office made a point to build our depth. And now our depth is non-existent. What the fuck is going on here? Somehow, Chipper Jones has managed to stay relatively healthy, so maybe if he hits .400 this won't suck as much. Ok, probably not.

3) The underperformers - Listen here, Frenchy, you stupid grinning piece of shit. This was supposed to be your year - even the statheads were on your bandwagon! The reliable Joe Sheehan even chose you as his breakout player this year and what do you do? Regress...badly. You're not even clutch anymore. I can't remember the last time I felt like your performance in the clutch offset your otherwise sucky hitting, which used to be the case much of the last 2.5 years. Now...nada. Fuck you Frenchy. Maybe you should have signed an extension when it was offered to you. Let me paint a picture for you: you beefed up so you could hit 40hrs and get a fat contract but that hasn't happened, so now you are pressing and it's getting even worse. And Tex? God, I loved you while you were raking, but I've never really felt like you were a Brave. If this thing completely falls apart before the ASB, I will personally drive your ass out of the ATL on July 31 because there is absolutely NO way you should still be on the team. Our farm would be the 2nd best in baseball if ol' Jonny boy didn't try to go for broke in his last year at the helm of this ship. Speaking of....

4) The management - Bobby, I love you, you are an institution, but sometimes change is good. Some of your old school management is great - will always remember the way you got tossed protecting JAIIIIIIIIIR JURRRRRRJENS at Shea - but other times, you rely on "your guys" too much. Sometimes you just need to bench a sucky player and not pitch a sucky reliever. And the overworking guys? How does everyone see this but you don't? Have you been hanging out with Dusty Baker? Did Joe Torre tell you about how great it feels to kill a reliever, like he did/does with Proctor? Stop that shit now Bobby. My patience wears thin, old man. Don't make me slap you...haha, just kidding, I know how you feel about that.

So there it is, I offer no solutions, just an explanation of the situation. The only solace is that despite all this, our team is still better off than the Mets. They are a team in disarray, though a winning streak might cure what ails them. Funny, you'd think we might be able to get one of those going when WE ARE PLAYING THE WORST TEAM IN BASEBALL AT HOME AND THEIR STARTER LEAVES AFTER 4. But no, why would that happen? Instead, we get injuries to Chipper and Yunel. S'naturally.

Fuck I hate baseball.

[tv] Secret Diaries of a Call Girl

(Hot Prostitute + British Humor - Man Ass)^sexual deviancy = good times

--Shabadu